The Switzerland in my Life

Today my son turns 27.  He went from being the youngest of my children for 18 years to being the middle child when his sister Kaila was born.  The greatest gift a child can give to his mother is unconditional love, and my son has always been generous with me in that way.  When he was 17, his father and I separated.  He didn't choose sides, although his older sister did for a long few weeks.  He was the Switzerland in my life.  He always said he just wanted me to be happy, but I don't know if I ever returned the sentiment to him.  Thinking back over the last 10 years or so, his life has changed so dramatically, but yet, he has not.  He lost a family unit that was all he knew for 17 years, but yet, embraced the new family that I found myself sharing with him.  He lost a best friend, tragically, that I don't think he has recovered from yet.  But he still keeps making new friends.  He is me, and I am him.  I couldn't be prouder of him or love him any more than I do.

I heard a poem today by e.e. cummings with the line, "I hold your heart in my heart," and that is where my son belongs and will always have a place.

I am not the kinda mother who smothers her children, I let them grow up to be who they were meant to be, and my son is a man that I am proud to say I raised.  I love you Christopher.  Now and forever.  You are the calm in my storms and sun in my sky.

The Circle of Friends

I have a BFF, yes, I truly do.  She is one of the most amazing people I know, and I have known her longer than I have known my youngest brother.  She has always been there for me, and I am forever grateful to her. 

She has an amazing assortment of friends, that unbeknownst to her, I am truly jealous of.  She has her "college" friends, who get together and relive their past indiscretions and dorm antics, she has her "work" friends, she has her "other" friends, and then she has me.  She has shared her college friends with me a couple times, and I had a great time and went home wishing I had attended college, or better yet, college parties, instead of getting married at 20.  Now her memory of this is that I wrote her a letter telling her I was buying life insurance with my now-ex husband, while she was hanging out in her dorm room, waiting to go to a party. 

We are so polar opposite that I think that is why we have remained friends for dare I say it, almost 45 years!  I am heavy metal and alternative, I think she listens to KYW.  She travels the world, calling me on New Year's Eve one year from Paris; me, the furthest I have been in The Southernmost point in the US, and that was over 8 years ago.  But, still, we click, we talk, we share.  Because I am in a circle of friendship that includes only me and her. 

I am not the kinda girl who has many circles of friends, just alot of aquaintences, but those true friends that I do have, life my BFF, I cherish and thank God every day that they are there for me, and hope that I am always there for them.

Raising the White Flag

Being the offspring of an Irish mother and an Italian father, I guess I am genetically predisposed to love all that is starchy, full of so-called “bad” carbs, and sweet. Let's face it, at every family meal we had either a side of potatoes, in many different varieties, but mostly mashed or baked, or a side of pasta, whether ziti or linguine. And at the end of every meal, there was either a ricotta cheese cake or an Entenman's coffee cake to finish off the feast. So, it is not hard to imagine given these facts, that I am not the kinda girl who doesn't love to eat.

But therein lies my problem. Food. There I said it. It's not my lack of willpower to say no to a cheesy baked ziti, or my laziness that keeps me from working out, my issues lie with food itself. It tempts me every where I go. It smells good, it looks good, hell, its even better than sex sometimes. It doesn't judge you or talk back, it's only goal in life is to taste good and make you happy. In fact, it encourages you to keep trying it, so many varieties, so little time.

Why does it have to exist in my world? It's everywhere, from the local drugstore to the giant Super Walmart. Why can't I go into a store for say, a birthday card .. no big deal, but after the card is chosen and I am waiting in line to visit the cashier, there it is, that giant Hershey bar that is calling my name, choosing me, to be it's downfall. When actually I am not it's downfall, it is mine. How I wish I could turn away, ignore it's pleas, but I can not. So, while waiting, I grab the chocolate, open it up and ahhh, tastes so good it's a crime. After paying for my secret treat, I must destroy the evidence. I am not trying to hide it from anyone but myself. I curse myself for my lack of judgment in letting this inanimate creature invade my life and feel that if I just throw away the wrapper, it's almost as if I didn't eat it in the first place.

I do the same thing with cake .. I figure if there are three pieces left and I eat all three during the course of one day, it will no longer exist and I will not ever have to look at it or think about it again. And tomorrow, I will not eat at all. Crazy, I know, but this is how my mind works. There are so many kinds of foods that do this to me, that I just want to rid my house of food. Well good food. Keep the pickled beets, the scrapple, the eggs, the fruit, all the things my family likes to eat and I don't, and I think I may win this war, otherwise I am just gonna have to wave the white flag and give in to it's domination over my life.

Anyone got a spare white handkerchief?

How to create clutter without even trying!

Life teaches us many lessons, some of those we take to heart, and others we just pretend that we weren't in class that day. One of those lessons is that I am not the kinda girl who can just leave things be, let life take its course. No, not me. I must control everything and most of the time, I have no control over anything. Take, for example, my kids. Try as I might to make them the kinda girls who like to be clean and orderly, they are slobs. I have tried over and over again to make them see the light, that cleanliness is next to Mommy being happy. I bought them bins, I bought them Barbie cases, the more I bought to control the clutter, the more what I bought became part of the clutter. I have just about given up trying to control these two little terrors that become a super force against all that is orderly in my house. Not a morning goes by, that something sticky is spilled on my tablecloth, which in turn, has to be washed, along with the floor that collected the drips. The only way I could think to control this, was to not let them drink anything but water, but that didn't go over well, as water still spills!

So my lesson today is to become the kinda girl who does leave things alone, and let the water and juice spill where they may!

There isn't a Blank Wall Anywhere!

It has become quite apparent to me that I am not the kinda girl who likes clutter. I don’t have to look far to realize where my apparent hate of all things knick-knacky came from. My parents, God love them, believe that less is less and more is best. They have been collecting things, paintings, books, Hummels, anything that fills a void space in their house for as long as I can remember. Oh yeah, plants too, they are all over the house, the porch, usually finding a spot on top of the piles of newspapers and gadget magazines that seem inherently drawn to my parent's mailbox.

Here's an early memory that I believe brought about my loathing of things that are called collectibles by some, and junk by others. The day of my wedding (my first, more about the second later), the photographer came to my parents house to do the usual family photos, bridal photos and such. Well, he was shocked that there was not one, not one, blank wall in the entire house, including the bathroom, where we could take pictures.. Seriously, my parents have stuff everywhere, but not to the extreme that I should call the producers of Hoarders. Anyway, as it turned out, my dad would not remove the paintings from the living room wall, so we all had to stand by the picture window. So, in most of the family pictures, there are plants hanging behind one of my brothers' head. Funny stuff.. needless to say, those pictures aren't hung up anywhere in my parent's house, simply because there is no where to put them.

I don’t think I will ever be the kinda girl who likes knick knacks or Hummels, no offense, I like my walls bare, except for a nice picture here or there. When my daughters get married, I don’t want to waste the photographer's time and my money taking down pictures just so we have a blank canvas.

Heidi Klum and the Meaning of Life

There is only one woman alive right now who I think has the right to sit in judgment of the rest of us women .. please do not say Kim Kardashian, or I will have to stop writing forever ..think the antithesis of anything Kardashian, and you should come to Heidi Klum. This woman is amazing in everything she does, she is like the Midas of our time. Watch her on Project Runway, Awesomeness. Look at her with her kids, Goddess. Look at her at Halloween, Genius. She is the kinda girl that I would love to be.

I have seen her on a late night talk show completely at ease with herself, with barely a hint of makeup on. Really? I can't leave my bathroom, let alone my house without lipstick, as you all know. The thought of being in front of millions of people with barely a trace of makeup on and I would be comatose and totally unresponsive, not Heidi. She was cool as a cucumber, laughing, joking and basically at total ease with herself. How does she do it? Is it because she has a husband that can sing, not only in the shower, but also on actual radio and Cd's? Is it because her children are beautiful and probably well behaved and neat? Or is it because she knows something I don't? It is most likely all of the above. I want to know her secret, I want to be the kinda girl who can walk into a room and be amazing. I want to be able to hold three intelligent conversations at one time,talk and people listen. Right now, I talk and maybe the walls are learning something, because those around me, namely my kids, are not.

Teach me, Heidi, I want to learn how you do it. I have never been on a runway except for the time when I was 7 or 8 and vied for the role of Little Miss Barrett playground. I lost of course, and the rest is history. Where would I be if I won? Would my life have changed .. I doubt it highly, but if Ms. Klum could just whisper in my ear, tell me the meaning of life, I think I could become the kinda girl that doesn't have to be in full makeup just to run to the store or pick her daughter up from school. And that would be a start. 

Leaving Things Be .. or Just Let Go!

Life teaches us many lessons, some of those we take to heart, and others we just pretend that we weren't in class that day. One of those lessons is that I am not the kinda girl who can just leave things be, let life take its course. No, not me. I must control everything and most of the time, I have no control over anything. Take, for example, my kids. Try as I might to make them the kinda girls who like to be clean and orderly, they are slobs. I have tried over and over again to make them see the light, that cleanliness is next to Mommy being happy. I bought them bins, I bought them Barbie cases, the more I bought to control the clutter, the more what I bought became part of the clutter. I have just about given up trying to control these two little terrors that become a super force against all that is orderly in my house. Not a morning goes by, that something sticky is spilled on my tablecloth, which in turn, has to be washed, along with the floor that collected the drips. The only way I could think to control this, was to not let them drink anything but water, but that didn't go over well, as water still spills!

So my lesson today is to become the kinda girl who does leave things alone, and let the water and juice spill where they may!